Forgiveness is something that I have been thinking a lot about lately. The age old saying "Forgive and Forget" is far more difficult to accomplish than the mere words suggest. If you have ever been hurt by someone, especially someone close to you, you will know what I mean.
Recently I was very hurt by ones that I consider close and I have been hanging on to those feelings of hurt, anger, resentment and the lack of resolve. I have been looking deep inside of myself to try and find the strength and conviction to move forward and past the issue and to really just forget about the persons altogether and move on with my life without them. This is a difficult thing to do. The thing is, when it is about someone close to you, you actually care about them. You have history, and you love them, even if they don't necessarily love you the same way. If its a family member that has hurt you, its even more difficult. These are the people who are supposed to be there for you and have your best interests at heart. But this isn't always necessarily so.
So I have been trying to come to terms with what the best course of action is to take. Do I quietly retreat without further explanation and continue on with my life, burying my feelings to avoid further conflict? Or do I approach the persons once more, let them know how I'm feeling and then sit back and be battered by words once again?
As you all know by now, I am one that surrounds herself with positivity. So when the negative encroaches, I have a very difficult time with it. I guess I'm one of those people who wants everything to be sunny and shiny all the time. No conflict, no problems. I never mean anyone any harm or ill will and I guess I have always thought that those around me do the same. So when I'm targeted by someone's anger, I take it to heart. Literally. My heart aches with sadness. I become dumbfounded and wonder how on earth any of this happened.
I know this post probably makes no sense. It really is something that I am writing purely for myself. But if you have had a similar issue, then this post will probably make perfect sense. The reality is, life isn't perfect. The people in it aren't perfect, and I guess it can't be shiny and sunny all the time. I know as time passes, my feelings will sort themselves out and my hurt will fade. I just hope that forgiveness is something that I can achieve. Not for anyone else, but completely for myself. Because holding on to any form of negativity is a poison and it has the ability to creep in to other facets of your life if you let it.
If I look deep inside myself, I know that removing someone from my life that is close is not the right answer for me. When someone is important in my life, whether its because there is a family bond or just the fact that they are family, bond or not, I think as an example to my children, I need to do everything in my power to make sure I've done my absolute best to resolve everything before letting go. If I haven't told the person that hurt me my reasons for removing myself from their lives, then I haven't done my best. If I haven't given them the opportunity to give me their side of things before letting them go, that's wrong. We can't make anyone be who we want them to be. We can't make anyone love us the way we want to be loved. But we can set an example of how we want to be treated, and what those boundaries are if people are to remain in your life.
So I guess in writing this post, I have given myself my own answers. The beauty of writing and being a writer is that it gives you permission to just be honest. To let your feelings out on to paper ( or computer ) and see what evolves. It always surprises!
It can be odd to send ones personal feelings out in to the blogging world. But I also know that some of my favorite posts from other blogs are the personal ones. The ones that I can say, aha, yes, I know exactly what you mean.....those are golden. So thanks for listening, and don't be shy to send me an email if you have any advice on the topic of forgiveness. It's a heavy one, but a very important one as well.