CHAOS, QUIET AND REFLECTION

So it has been a very long time since I have had the chance to even sit down and put fingers to keys. The end of the school year is always a time of immense chaos. There are recitals, band concerts, gardens to put in  and work obligations. Throw in Dr's appointments and lot clearing and what you get is pure exhaustion. But today, is a day just for me. I have no where to be, heaps to do but I'm ignoring that, and I am going to spend the day doing whatever it is I want to. Much too much time has passed lately where I am running here and there and everywhere, and tomorrow will once again be one of those days where I actually have to physically be in 2 different places at once at the same time. Haven't figured that out yet, but I am not going to worry about it today.

So today is about quiet, reflection and taking a good hard look at what is giving me fulfillment and happiness and what isn't. As you all know by now, nature is my happy place. It's where I go to find peace and tranquility and how I center back to what's important. It's where I can hear my thoughts again and see with more clarity the way my life should be. This past weekend we finally took our canoe out for it's maiden voyage and I can' t even begin to describe to you how very happy this made me. All problems vanished with the first dip of the paddle.

Our recreational property is located on a lake that is suitable for paddling only, so as you head out on the water there is nothing but silence. There is no traffic, roads or loud engines, only the sound of the water lapping against the sides of the boat and wind whispering through the trees. We surprised a loon as we paddled around the corner of an island and she rose up on her haunches and let out the typical loon cry. We passed an active beaver lodge and followed a river up to a perfect fishing hole where the trout were literally jumping out of the water. We found out later this lake is stocked with fish so it looks like there are many days ahead of fishing in that idyllic little spot.

Because life has been so hectic and crazy, my ability to stop and enjoy the moment is becoming a difficult thing to do. I don`t want to fall back in to that way of life that just does not bring me any personal fulfillment. Taking the time to sit back and relax and just be are so important, and I really need to refocus and spend as much time as I can paddling, fishing, stopping to enjoy a sunset and sipping a nice cool glass of wine around a crackling fire. That is my personal bliss.

Life is a funny thing. We all have our own journeys to make, and even though we make those journeys with other people by our side, whether it be a spouse, friends, family or children, really our own destiny and our own thoughts are just that. Our own. No one can change your inner thoughts and feelings, and no one can really completely know how things are for you. This just isn`t possible. So your own inner dialogue is yours alone and only you have the power to change it. I read an interview with Eckhart Tolle this morning on the Huffington Post website which I will quote here as it made a tremendous impression on me:

``Thought can be so seductive and hypnotic that it absorbs your attention totally, so you become your thoughts. When you become your thoughts, that is the ego. To realize that you are not your thoughts is when you begin to awaken spiritually. For example, when your mind is very critical of yourself or other people, frequently complaining or berating yourself or creating anxiety by worrying about what might go wrong in the future, this creates a lot of unhappiness. Then you reach a point where you ask yourself, what is the root of this unhappiness I feel all the time. And then you may be amazed to realize that in most cases when you are unhappy, you`re not unhappy because of something that`s happening in your life; you`re unhappy because of what your mind is telling you about it. It`s not a situation or an event that makes you unhappy but your mental commentary about it, the voice in your head. When you realize that, that`s when you begin to disidentify from the voice in your head.```

I really love what he has to say, because I really feel in life we have the ability to change our paths. I`m not saying it`s happy go lucky all the time, and in fact from human suffering often comes immense change, but I do think we can control how we approach a situation, how we find forgiveness instead of hanging on to what we perceive as wrong doings and how we can make changes to live a life in the present.

This is something I really need to work on as I have been swept up in to the crazy, chaotic life as working mother once again. But even though at this point I need to do that, I can find ways of being present in the moment, even when I`m doing something I don`t really want to do. And when I do get those moments, in the canoe, or casting a line or just listening to the silence of the night broken only by the mournful cry of a loon as the stars flicker above, I am going to savor and enjoy everything around me. That my friends, makes life worth living.

FREEDOM

I love this picture for so many reasons.

For one, it captures my daughter's spirit and personality perfectly. That's her! But it also invokes in me my longing for freedom. To feel I can leap off a rock and launch in to the air, free.

In life there are so many responsibilities. We have to provide for ourselves and our families. Go to work, extracurricular activities, volunteer, keep up the house, grow the garden, make supper, eat healthy, worry about money, friends, funerals, weddings, familial obligations. But when I look at the picture above, that is what I want my life to be and what I aspire to achieve. Total freedom. Now, I'm not saying that I don't want all the above responsibilities. In fact, I thrive on most of them (funerals being the exception, especially if its mine) But I want those things that I'm responsible for to be in the right balance, so that I may feel in life the way that picture makes me feel.

Working in long term care day after day I am witness to where the journey ends for people. The life they have lived is mostly just a memory, and their reality now is not ideal. It is a constant reminder of why it is so important to make every second count which is hard to do when we have obligations and jobs to do. In life we are constantly tasked with things that if given the choice, we wouldn't do. That's just life. But I truly believe we have control over what brings us joy and happiness.

For me, my big hurdle in life is stress and the inability to say no. When I agree to do something that I don't want to do but feel obligated to do it, I am racked with stress and resentment. So much so that it can consume me at times. But if I say no to something, then I am overwhelmed with guilt and feelings that I'm being selfish for saying no. Can you see the problem here? It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. So what I'm really working on these days is trying to recognize that it isn't selfish to say no. There shouldn't be any guilt attached to myself not wanting to do something just because someone wants me to. The same goes for expectations. Why should I allow someone else's expectations of me become more important than the expectations I have for myself? When I think of it in these terms it becomes clear to me that there is no reason to ever commit or do something that you don't feel is the right thing for yourself.

Writing this blog has been a great thing for me. It's allowed me to get my artist juices flowing in a way that I never imagined. I know its not the best writing, but it's me. It has given me the courage to have a good hard look at my life and what I want it to be and most of all have recognized who is in this life along side me to be the best that we can all be and who isn't.

Creating personal freedom is not about turning my back on my responsibilities, but it is about making my journey in life mine. No one is going to live my life but me so I shouldn't allow any one else to do so. I love my husband and my children and they are my joy and my freedom. So even though I go to work sometimes wishing I was anywhere but there (as we all do sometimes) the result of that work day is the ability to provide for what brings me joy and that gives me pleasure. But worrying about what any one thinks of me and my idea of life and the way I live it or want to approach it shouldn't be my concern. And for too long I've allowed it to be this way.

So here's to personal freedom and satisfaction. I am leaping off my rock in to the wild blue yonder. Let's see where it takes me.

SEEDLINGS, GARDENS AND FUTURE PLANS

Well in true Nova Scotia style, we’ve gone from -10 degrees Celcius to +15 in a matter of a couple weeks. Temperatures are on the rise, the sun is out, the lawn is greening up and everything feels fresh. I was able to get my veggie garden rototilled, my flower beds weeded and prepared and general clean up as a whole took place this past weekend. My greenhouse is filled to the rim with seed trays and some have made their appearance already. The artichokes were the first to show their green leaves which surprised me as I assumed these would be the tricky ones, but they seem to be off to a momentous start. My lavender seeds are working out, as are the peppers and the Echinacea. Everything else I planted this past weekend so it will be a little bit before they break ground.

I can’t begin to say how excited I am for the next few months. There are so many projects and adventures on the horizon this summer. We will be building a shed at our property at the lake, as well as installing an outhouse and getting our RV ready to be our home away from home until construction on the cottage begins, which will be sometime in the next few years. Having a cottage has been a lifelong dream of mine and knowing that I get to begin planning and creating my own cottage space fills me with so much joy. Living out west, this never would have been even a remote possibility unless I won the lottery. But living in Nova Scotia has given us so many more opportunities to live the life that makes us happy and fulfilled.

The other night as I was lying in bed I had my window open a crack. I could hear the peepers (frogs) chirping away and filling the night with song. The owls were doing their regular Hoot Hooting and I could see stars twinkling in the pitch black night. There was no sounds of traffic or sirens or train whistles that I was used to hearing growing up. There was only the stillness of the night and the creatures that inhabit the darkness. It sets my mind at ease and I’m able to fall asleep feeling such a sense of peace.

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE

 I was thinking today about how quickly time passes. One moment we are kids, laughing and playing and the next we are adults with children of our own. Then they too grow and life passes in a blaze of awesome moments and fond memories, hard times and challenges. Once you have children time picks up momentum and the years pass as quickly as a summer vacation did when we were kids. There is a John Denver song that I love called “Poem’s, Prayers and Promises.” One of the verses that I relate to so well goes like this:

“The days they pass so quickly now, the nights are seldom long, time around me whispers when it’s cold. The changes somehow frighten me, still I have to smile. It turns me on to think of growing old.”

Of course the tragic part of this song is that John Denver never had the opportunity to grow old. But he did perish doing something he loved which is really all we can hope for in life.

As time passes and we grow older we of course lose more and more people that are close to us. We lose grandparents, parents, siblings and friends. It’s difficult. Death is something that awaits all of us and comes too quickly no matter how old you may be.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror my eyes gaze back in surprise. Who is that 40+ year old woman in this reflection? When did she get there? I don’t feel like 40 years have passed, but the signs are there. I have some wrinkles now, I have more weight on, and the stubborn grey in my hair seems to get even more stubborn as time wares on. But really, none of these superficial things matter. What matters is who I am. What matters is how I am spending my time with whatever time I have, whether it is a day, a year or a multitude of years. I have to make every effort to make sure that I try very hard to make every moment count, even the unpleasant ones.

I was telling someone the other day how I have made a very concentrated effort in making my life as positive as I possibly can. I am moving on from negative people, things and situations and surrounding myself with as much happiness and joy as I can and concentrating on being present in the moment. Their response was that although great to be positive, one must strike a balance, making sure you keep up with current events and what is happening in the world. The statement made me feel judged, as if I was almost being reprimanded or unrealistic in my approach to life. You see, being positive and being present is not about ignoring anything bad that may happen. In fact I read 4 newspapers a day so I’m pretty up on current affairs. But when I read or see something that evokes emotion or outrage, I allow myself to feel the sorrow and sadness when I hear of tragic circumstances, because tragedy is reality, but then I move on. This has nothing to do with maintaining a positive disposition and has nothing to do with striking a balance. There are situations in the world that I’m powerless to solve. What I mean about being positive is that when you face your day, no matter how monotonous, or how horrible it may be; only you have the choice on your attitude. You can give in to the negative, or you can face it with a positive. Believe me, it can sometimes be the harder of the two to take the latter road than it is to sink in to the negative. But it’s well worth the effort.

I am truly not successful at achieving this all the time. I sometimes sink in to that negative mindset and when I do I sink like a stone. But I am consciously aware that when I do so, everything around me is affected. Things seem to go wrong. I start to feel sorry for myself. Poor me enters in to my vocabulary. And before long, it spirals in to a vortex of negative situations. Change the frown upside down, and before long the vortex spits you out on your two feet and you are able to make it through whatever circumstances you are facing in that given moment.

It’s the same with people. Have you ever noticed that when you spend time with negative people, it starts to affect your own mood? You start to see the bleakness in things, and you begin to be drawn in to their world. One of my favorite skits on Saturday Night Live is the one about Debbie Downer. It’s about a family having a nice meal around the supper table. Every time someone says something positive, Debbie Downer chimes in with something tragic or negative, and it starts to get everybody down. And we all know people like that. There is a Debbie Downer in every crowd. So I have made concentrated efforts to take the Debbie’s out of my life and surround myself with cheer. I only have one crack at this time here on earth and I want to leave here knowing I've put my best effort in to having the most rewarding life I can have. And if you ask me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

PADDLING PARADISE

Well the temperatures are on the rise and the last of the bits of snow that tenaciously hang on in the dark corners of the forest are for the most part gone. I walked down the driveway this morning to bring my daughter to the bus stop and the bird song was in full symphony. There must have been 20 Robins on my front lawn and my feeder was alive with Blue Jays, Doves and Chickadees darting back and forth through the bushes. The sap is running hard now and I made some Maple Syrup again last night. I cooked it a little bit longer this time and was rewarded with thick, golden syrup. Delicious. It doesn't stay around long, that I can tell you. Every evening now it seems we have a pot on the wood stove gurgling away.

It's been a long winter but spring is in the air. I planted some Cat Grass inside in pots, just to bring some of that beautiful spring green indoors as we haven't quite reached that outside yet.  There truly is no color like it.

I've gone ahead and ordered a Canoe for summer. I got a really great deal on Amazon.ca that I couldn't pass up. I can't wait to get out on the water and start exploring. We have a little cottage lot on Russell Lake in Nova Scotia, located very close to Kejimikujik National Park which is a Paddlers Paradise, offering many trips of various lengths. Our lake is not open to power boats so we are excited to explore it's many nooks and crannies this year. We have only been able to access it once this winter due to the extreme snow we have had, so it will be exciting to get back up there and see how it's fared through the winter.

Canoeing is a past time I used to enjoy so often in my younger years. I remember our first son would curl up in the bow as we paddled. He would bundle up his blanket as a pillow and close his eyes as the rocking motion and sound of the waves drifted him off to sleep only to awaken as the the canoe scratched over the shore when we found a place to stop for a picnic. When we moved across Canada we sadly left our canoe behind and I've only picked up a paddle a hand full of times since then. I can't wait to get back in to it. And I assure you, the fishing rod will be out in full force. All you Bass out there, watch out, because here I come!There really is nothing like the sound of the waves lapping at the side of the Canoe as the paddle dips in to the glistening waters. Pair that with the whizz of the reel with a fish on and you have pure bliss. I can feel the sunburn already.

STORMY WEATHER

Well, winter wasn't ready to let go of us yet here in Nova Scotia. We had an awesome storm yesterday with a combination of hurricane force winds and major accumulations of snow. We are literally snowed in today, as we have no plow and since it is going to rain the next few days and warm up, why bother shoveling the driveway. We have no where to go as we are off this week, and I rather relish the idea of being stuck at home. We did shovel out our walkway as such and had a grand old time building a snow man. Today dawned gloriously sunny and the beauty that surrounded us was breathtaking.  I truly don't understand how any one can not adore snow. It is so spectacular. 

 

There is something so exciting and exhilarating about a good storm. The power of Mother Nature always leaves me in awe, and I find myself getting more and more excited as a big storm approaches. Hearing the wind roar and whistle around the house gives me shivers. I know that it can be catastrophic and I would never want to downplay what tragedies befall individuals during such an event of epic proportions, but when you make it through to the other side of storm, you know you have witnessed Mother Nature at her finest. 

Having this week off has been a truly relaxing experience. Returning to work after almost 2 years was a major adjustment so it feels really good to just be home and be idle with no real plan for the days. I was successful in getting all my seeds that needed to be started done, although I am starting them inside the house this year as opposed to the hot house, as its still too cold out there, so my dining room table has been converted in to my seed station. I spent time reading and hanging out with the kids as well as just enjoying my time watching my hens peck the ground and birds at the feeder. My little dog Brody enjoys watching the chickens as well.

Now I am going to shrug on my winter coat and pull on my boots and go for good hike through the woods and enjoy what is likely to be one of the last real snow falls of the season. I want to hear the scrunch of snow under my feet one last time before we bid farewell to the white stuff and head in to the April Showers that will most certainly bring us our May flowers. 

HELLO SPRING

Well today is the first day of spring although you wouldn't think so by looking out my window. It's pouring rain right now, which is something we haven't seen in quite the while. We have had an amazingly cold winter with a lot of snow, and I have loved every minute of it, much to the dismay of some that probably want to murder me every time I grin like a kid when the flakes start falling. But I can't help it, I am a lover of the seasons and each one of them gives me pleasure.

So that said, I haven't written in awhile. My life has become a circus of sorts with me running here and there and everywhere. Between work, kids and volunteering, it doesn't leave much time for me. And considering we only have one laptop in the house, by the time I can get a few minutes to write, it is being utilized by someone else. But, thanks to the rain falling outside and no kids around for the next hour, I finally have a chance to jot down a few words.

I have had a very interesting and fulfilling month so far. I was able to cross a few things off my bucket list, one of which consisted of me flying in a helicopter which has always been a dream of mine.

The maple syrup production was a great success after burning the first batch ( I'm still scrubbing the pot ) and life is moving along quickly. Many things have happened this past little while that have not only served as reminders that it pays to follow your inner voice ( and by pay, I don't mean money ) and that when you follow your dreams and make choices in life that are always working towards what makes you happy, down the road these dreams can come true. It doesn't mean they always will, but the journey itself is all part of the tapestry of life. When I look back on mine so far, I can see how every decision, failure, disappointment and difficult choices, has led me to the place where I am now. I love my life, I love my family, and I make sure to treasure all the moments that bring me joy and happiness.

The other weekend, after training in the Cormorant Helicopter, my husband and I went on a really fun afternoon road trip. It was a gorgeous warm, sunny day, where the snow beneath the trees glinted in rainbows of sparkles. We hiked in to a lake and were the only ones there to enjoy the solitude. The pine trees towered above as we sat on a rock looking over the frozen lake. We were truly alone. The lake moaned and groaned and exploded with noise as the ice cracked and moved as the sun's heat beat down on its surface. To try to even explain the immense silence, only broken by the sounds of the ice and the wind in the tops of the trees can only be summed up in the word perfection. It was one of those moments that I will remember forever. True bliss. Nature, trees, lakes, sunshine, my husband, who is also my best friend in the world,  I just can't imagine anything more satisfying than that. Life is short, but life can be good, because it's just really all about the effort you put in to make it that way. It's these moments of perfection that give us the strength and fortitude to make it through the times where darkness descends. Because no one on this earth is without tragedy or sickness, dark times and struggles. It's part of life. And there is only one outcome for each and every one of us. And even though face book, and media depict the opposite sometimes, and make us think everyone else's life is perfect,  this isn't reality. So live your life to your own fullest potential. Turn your face to the sun and feel its heat. Listen to the birds in the forest and the wind through the trees and breathe deeply of the fresh air around you. It's right there waiting for you.

Nova Scotia big blue sky over a frozen lake. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else