THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

I am going to do a little experiment in centering myself before I begin writing today. What I am going to do now is close my eyes and listen intently to the world around me. Then I am going to begin typing all the things I hear. (Thank goodness I can type with my eyes closed. Thank you Grade 11 typing class) Here it goes:

The hum of the refrigerator, rain on the roof, my little dog breathing, the sound of a video game in the other room, the sound of my children's voices as they play together, my own heat beat, my breathing, my fingers typing on the keys, rain drops hitting the windows, the washing machine on spin cycle. As I listen more intently I can here the changes in the rain. From heavy downpour to trickling and back to downpour, surging up and down like the sea. I can almost smell the dank wetness of the day. There is a sound of raindrops in the chimney pipe and I remember there is a small leak to fix. These are the sounds around me. A 5 minute relaxation of all the things that surround me in this moment in time. A great way to relax.

I tend to this often. Take a break, close my eyes and listen. I love to do it in the woods, where the sounds of nature are so diverse. There will be the chipper of a squirrel, the leaves rustling in the trees above or the dripping of water after a rain. I also love to lie in the grass in an open field and watch the clouds float past above me. Here in Nova Scotia the clouds seem so much closer than they did out west. I assume this is because we don't have any mountains here, but whatever the reason, I love it. The big white puffy balls of cotton drift past against the deepest of blue skies, and I sigh in contentment as the grass tickles my arms and an ant will crawl across my leg as I lie still and breathe. This is how I meditate and relax. It brings me a renewed energy.

Life is so full of anxieties and pressures. That's why taking these moments trying to use all our 5 senses are so important. When we take to time to sit still and listen, hear, smell, taste and touch we become in tune with our own body as well as the environment around us. The other night at the lake I decided to set up the tent to sleep in. I absolutely love sleeping outdoors and the great thing about my tent is that I can roll back the tent fly and see through to the sky above. As I lied in my sleeping bag, I looked up through the mesh above. The night sky sparkled with stars, framed by the towering shadows of the pine trees all around. Lightning bugs darted back and forth amongst the branches above and I snuggled down in to my sleeping bag and listened to the camp fire outside crackle and pop as its warm glow reflected inside the tent walls. Toads and frogs were singing and chirping as the night breeze blew through the tent windows. I turned to my husband and whispered...."I will never forget this moment.." And I won't. It was true perfection.

So even though life's journey can be difficult, as long as we take a few moments of perfection and weave them in to our own personal tapestry, we can create and live the perfect little moments in time that bring brightness and happiness to any situation. From a tent in the woods, to the hum of a refrigerator in your home. All these things mean your alive. Your are here to live it, feel it, see it, breathe it, smell it and taste it. What an amazing gift.

Here are a few photos of my little moments that brought me happiness this past weekend. Cheers!

THE PASSAGE OF TIME

The other day I was on a walk with my daughter. We were at the lake and she wanted to go exploring together. I was all for it. So she grabbed her walking stick, I filled my water bottle and off we went in to the wild. There is nothing like checking out new territory. Around every corner awaits a surprise. The sun was hot on our faces and arms as we trudged along talking and laughing. She is growing up so fast and I can’t help but want to hang on to these moments for as long as I can. We stopped and explored a giant ant hill. We talked about what it must look like underground and how fun it would be to be able to shrink down and explore all the tunnels and caverns the ants had made. We saw a few Painted Turtles along the way, and she fearlessly reached out and stroked its shell, absolutely mesmerized.

 What was so special about this time together is that it was just her and I. I really haven’t realized that since I've returned to being a working Mom, our alone time together has really suffered. I’m always in a rush, going here and there and everywhere. Rushing to get supper ready, rushing to do the housework, off to work, off to school. Downtime is rare. But these are the moments I can’t get back. She won’t always be excited by the ants or the turtles. She may not always want to talk my ear off about every little thing that happened at school. In a few years she may not want to go for a walk, holding my hand. And all too soon that day will come and she’s going to be gone. Off on her own, embarking on her own journeys. Just as my son did a week ago. He has left home to begin his career and start his new life. He has his own apartment, new job, cooking his own suppers and paying his own bills. He is a grown man. It feels as if I blinked, and it was over. After we moved him in, I got in my car and looked up to where I thought his window must be. I turned the key in the ignition, put the car in gear and pulled away, leaving my first born behind. My mind flashed back to 16 years before when I put him on the school bus for the first time. I still remember his little red back pack too big for his tiny frame. I remember his jeans being a touch too long and that his shoe lace on his little shoe was undone as he climbed up those big old stairs on the yellow bus. He glanced back at me looking for reassurance and I bravely smiled and motioned him to go on even though I wanted to snatch him up and take him home.  Then I  could just see the top of his blonde head through the windows as he made his way down the aisle. He found a seat and looked out at me as I waved and the bus pulled out and away, my baby on board.  I cried my eyes out. Years later I did the same with my other son, and then my daughter. All those moments felt exactly the same way. As if a big shift had taken place and that they had taken another step out in to the world without me. And this is as it should be. They need to gain their independence and find their way. When my middle child goes to camp on his own this summer for the first time, it’s going to be hard. For me, and for him. But these are all the moments. The moments of growing up and maturing.

 But for this mom, I want to cherish and enjoy every special moment, no matter how big or small. I want a few more walks to look at the ant hills and turtles and talk about flowers and kids on the playground. I want a few more Christmas concerts listening to my son as he plays in the band, my heart swelling with pride. Time moves by so quickly it feels as if I can't catch my breath. It's like moment after moment is slipping away. It's not a bad thing, its the journey of life. But just once in awhile  I wish time would slow down just a little, so I can savor the special moments for a little longer.

CHAOS, QUIET AND REFLECTION

So it has been a very long time since I have had the chance to even sit down and put fingers to keys. The end of the school year is always a time of immense chaos. There are recitals, band concerts, gardens to put in  and work obligations. Throw in Dr's appointments and lot clearing and what you get is pure exhaustion. But today, is a day just for me. I have no where to be, heaps to do but I'm ignoring that, and I am going to spend the day doing whatever it is I want to. Much too much time has passed lately where I am running here and there and everywhere, and tomorrow will once again be one of those days where I actually have to physically be in 2 different places at once at the same time. Haven't figured that out yet, but I am not going to worry about it today.

So today is about quiet, reflection and taking a good hard look at what is giving me fulfillment and happiness and what isn't. As you all know by now, nature is my happy place. It's where I go to find peace and tranquility and how I center back to what's important. It's where I can hear my thoughts again and see with more clarity the way my life should be. This past weekend we finally took our canoe out for it's maiden voyage and I can' t even begin to describe to you how very happy this made me. All problems vanished with the first dip of the paddle.

Our recreational property is located on a lake that is suitable for paddling only, so as you head out on the water there is nothing but silence. There is no traffic, roads or loud engines, only the sound of the water lapping against the sides of the boat and wind whispering through the trees. We surprised a loon as we paddled around the corner of an island and she rose up on her haunches and let out the typical loon cry. We passed an active beaver lodge and followed a river up to a perfect fishing hole where the trout were literally jumping out of the water. We found out later this lake is stocked with fish so it looks like there are many days ahead of fishing in that idyllic little spot.

Because life has been so hectic and crazy, my ability to stop and enjoy the moment is becoming a difficult thing to do. I don`t want to fall back in to that way of life that just does not bring me any personal fulfillment. Taking the time to sit back and relax and just be are so important, and I really need to refocus and spend as much time as I can paddling, fishing, stopping to enjoy a sunset and sipping a nice cool glass of wine around a crackling fire. That is my personal bliss.

Life is a funny thing. We all have our own journeys to make, and even though we make those journeys with other people by our side, whether it be a spouse, friends, family or children, really our own destiny and our own thoughts are just that. Our own. No one can change your inner thoughts and feelings, and no one can really completely know how things are for you. This just isn`t possible. So your own inner dialogue is yours alone and only you have the power to change it. I read an interview with Eckhart Tolle this morning on the Huffington Post website which I will quote here as it made a tremendous impression on me:

``Thought can be so seductive and hypnotic that it absorbs your attention totally, so you become your thoughts. When you become your thoughts, that is the ego. To realize that you are not your thoughts is when you begin to awaken spiritually. For example, when your mind is very critical of yourself or other people, frequently complaining or berating yourself or creating anxiety by worrying about what might go wrong in the future, this creates a lot of unhappiness. Then you reach a point where you ask yourself, what is the root of this unhappiness I feel all the time. And then you may be amazed to realize that in most cases when you are unhappy, you`re not unhappy because of something that`s happening in your life; you`re unhappy because of what your mind is telling you about it. It`s not a situation or an event that makes you unhappy but your mental commentary about it, the voice in your head. When you realize that, that`s when you begin to disidentify from the voice in your head.```

I really love what he has to say, because I really feel in life we have the ability to change our paths. I`m not saying it`s happy go lucky all the time, and in fact from human suffering often comes immense change, but I do think we can control how we approach a situation, how we find forgiveness instead of hanging on to what we perceive as wrong doings and how we can make changes to live a life in the present.

This is something I really need to work on as I have been swept up in to the crazy, chaotic life as working mother once again. But even though at this point I need to do that, I can find ways of being present in the moment, even when I`m doing something I don`t really want to do. And when I do get those moments, in the canoe, or casting a line or just listening to the silence of the night broken only by the mournful cry of a loon as the stars flicker above, I am going to savor and enjoy everything around me. That my friends, makes life worth living.

FREEDOM

I love this picture for so many reasons.

For one, it captures my daughter's spirit and personality perfectly. That's her! But it also invokes in me my longing for freedom. To feel I can leap off a rock and launch in to the air, free.

In life there are so many responsibilities. We have to provide for ourselves and our families. Go to work, extracurricular activities, volunteer, keep up the house, grow the garden, make supper, eat healthy, worry about money, friends, funerals, weddings, familial obligations. But when I look at the picture above, that is what I want my life to be and what I aspire to achieve. Total freedom. Now, I'm not saying that I don't want all the above responsibilities. In fact, I thrive on most of them (funerals being the exception, especially if its mine) But I want those things that I'm responsible for to be in the right balance, so that I may feel in life the way that picture makes me feel.

Working in long term care day after day I am witness to where the journey ends for people. The life they have lived is mostly just a memory, and their reality now is not ideal. It is a constant reminder of why it is so important to make every second count which is hard to do when we have obligations and jobs to do. In life we are constantly tasked with things that if given the choice, we wouldn't do. That's just life. But I truly believe we have control over what brings us joy and happiness.

For me, my big hurdle in life is stress and the inability to say no. When I agree to do something that I don't want to do but feel obligated to do it, I am racked with stress and resentment. So much so that it can consume me at times. But if I say no to something, then I am overwhelmed with guilt and feelings that I'm being selfish for saying no. Can you see the problem here? It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. So what I'm really working on these days is trying to recognize that it isn't selfish to say no. There shouldn't be any guilt attached to myself not wanting to do something just because someone wants me to. The same goes for expectations. Why should I allow someone else's expectations of me become more important than the expectations I have for myself? When I think of it in these terms it becomes clear to me that there is no reason to ever commit or do something that you don't feel is the right thing for yourself.

Writing this blog has been a great thing for me. It's allowed me to get my artist juices flowing in a way that I never imagined. I know its not the best writing, but it's me. It has given me the courage to have a good hard look at my life and what I want it to be and most of all have recognized who is in this life along side me to be the best that we can all be and who isn't.

Creating personal freedom is not about turning my back on my responsibilities, but it is about making my journey in life mine. No one is going to live my life but me so I shouldn't allow any one else to do so. I love my husband and my children and they are my joy and my freedom. So even though I go to work sometimes wishing I was anywhere but there (as we all do sometimes) the result of that work day is the ability to provide for what brings me joy and that gives me pleasure. But worrying about what any one thinks of me and my idea of life and the way I live it or want to approach it shouldn't be my concern. And for too long I've allowed it to be this way.

So here's to personal freedom and satisfaction. I am leaping off my rock in to the wild blue yonder. Let's see where it takes me.

SEEDLINGS, GARDENS AND FUTURE PLANS

Well in true Nova Scotia style, we’ve gone from -10 degrees Celcius to +15 in a matter of a couple weeks. Temperatures are on the rise, the sun is out, the lawn is greening up and everything feels fresh. I was able to get my veggie garden rototilled, my flower beds weeded and prepared and general clean up as a whole took place this past weekend. My greenhouse is filled to the rim with seed trays and some have made their appearance already. The artichokes were the first to show their green leaves which surprised me as I assumed these would be the tricky ones, but they seem to be off to a momentous start. My lavender seeds are working out, as are the peppers and the Echinacea. Everything else I planted this past weekend so it will be a little bit before they break ground.

I can’t begin to say how excited I am for the next few months. There are so many projects and adventures on the horizon this summer. We will be building a shed at our property at the lake, as well as installing an outhouse and getting our RV ready to be our home away from home until construction on the cottage begins, which will be sometime in the next few years. Having a cottage has been a lifelong dream of mine and knowing that I get to begin planning and creating my own cottage space fills me with so much joy. Living out west, this never would have been even a remote possibility unless I won the lottery. But living in Nova Scotia has given us so many more opportunities to live the life that makes us happy and fulfilled.

The other night as I was lying in bed I had my window open a crack. I could hear the peepers (frogs) chirping away and filling the night with song. The owls were doing their regular Hoot Hooting and I could see stars twinkling in the pitch black night. There was no sounds of traffic or sirens or train whistles that I was used to hearing growing up. There was only the stillness of the night and the creatures that inhabit the darkness. It sets my mind at ease and I’m able to fall asleep feeling such a sense of peace.

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE

 I was thinking today about how quickly time passes. One moment we are kids, laughing and playing and the next we are adults with children of our own. Then they too grow and life passes in a blaze of awesome moments and fond memories, hard times and challenges. Once you have children time picks up momentum and the years pass as quickly as a summer vacation did when we were kids. There is a John Denver song that I love called “Poem’s, Prayers and Promises.” One of the verses that I relate to so well goes like this:

“The days they pass so quickly now, the nights are seldom long, time around me whispers when it’s cold. The changes somehow frighten me, still I have to smile. It turns me on to think of growing old.”

Of course the tragic part of this song is that John Denver never had the opportunity to grow old. But he did perish doing something he loved which is really all we can hope for in life.

As time passes and we grow older we of course lose more and more people that are close to us. We lose grandparents, parents, siblings and friends. It’s difficult. Death is something that awaits all of us and comes too quickly no matter how old you may be.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror my eyes gaze back in surprise. Who is that 40+ year old woman in this reflection? When did she get there? I don’t feel like 40 years have passed, but the signs are there. I have some wrinkles now, I have more weight on, and the stubborn grey in my hair seems to get even more stubborn as time wares on. But really, none of these superficial things matter. What matters is who I am. What matters is how I am spending my time with whatever time I have, whether it is a day, a year or a multitude of years. I have to make every effort to make sure that I try very hard to make every moment count, even the unpleasant ones.

I was telling someone the other day how I have made a very concentrated effort in making my life as positive as I possibly can. I am moving on from negative people, things and situations and surrounding myself with as much happiness and joy as I can and concentrating on being present in the moment. Their response was that although great to be positive, one must strike a balance, making sure you keep up with current events and what is happening in the world. The statement made me feel judged, as if I was almost being reprimanded or unrealistic in my approach to life. You see, being positive and being present is not about ignoring anything bad that may happen. In fact I read 4 newspapers a day so I’m pretty up on current affairs. But when I read or see something that evokes emotion or outrage, I allow myself to feel the sorrow and sadness when I hear of tragic circumstances, because tragedy is reality, but then I move on. This has nothing to do with maintaining a positive disposition and has nothing to do with striking a balance. There are situations in the world that I’m powerless to solve. What I mean about being positive is that when you face your day, no matter how monotonous, or how horrible it may be; only you have the choice on your attitude. You can give in to the negative, or you can face it with a positive. Believe me, it can sometimes be the harder of the two to take the latter road than it is to sink in to the negative. But it’s well worth the effort.

I am truly not successful at achieving this all the time. I sometimes sink in to that negative mindset and when I do I sink like a stone. But I am consciously aware that when I do so, everything around me is affected. Things seem to go wrong. I start to feel sorry for myself. Poor me enters in to my vocabulary. And before long, it spirals in to a vortex of negative situations. Change the frown upside down, and before long the vortex spits you out on your two feet and you are able to make it through whatever circumstances you are facing in that given moment.

It’s the same with people. Have you ever noticed that when you spend time with negative people, it starts to affect your own mood? You start to see the bleakness in things, and you begin to be drawn in to their world. One of my favorite skits on Saturday Night Live is the one about Debbie Downer. It’s about a family having a nice meal around the supper table. Every time someone says something positive, Debbie Downer chimes in with something tragic or negative, and it starts to get everybody down. And we all know people like that. There is a Debbie Downer in every crowd. So I have made concentrated efforts to take the Debbie’s out of my life and surround myself with cheer. I only have one crack at this time here on earth and I want to leave here knowing I've put my best effort in to having the most rewarding life I can have. And if you ask me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

PADDLING PARADISE

Well the temperatures are on the rise and the last of the bits of snow that tenaciously hang on in the dark corners of the forest are for the most part gone. I walked down the driveway this morning to bring my daughter to the bus stop and the bird song was in full symphony. There must have been 20 Robins on my front lawn and my feeder was alive with Blue Jays, Doves and Chickadees darting back and forth through the bushes. The sap is running hard now and I made some Maple Syrup again last night. I cooked it a little bit longer this time and was rewarded with thick, golden syrup. Delicious. It doesn't stay around long, that I can tell you. Every evening now it seems we have a pot on the wood stove gurgling away.

It's been a long winter but spring is in the air. I planted some Cat Grass inside in pots, just to bring some of that beautiful spring green indoors as we haven't quite reached that outside yet.  There truly is no color like it.

I've gone ahead and ordered a Canoe for summer. I got a really great deal on Amazon.ca that I couldn't pass up. I can't wait to get out on the water and start exploring. We have a little cottage lot on Russell Lake in Nova Scotia, located very close to Kejimikujik National Park which is a Paddlers Paradise, offering many trips of various lengths. Our lake is not open to power boats so we are excited to explore it's many nooks and crannies this year. We have only been able to access it once this winter due to the extreme snow we have had, so it will be exciting to get back up there and see how it's fared through the winter.

Canoeing is a past time I used to enjoy so often in my younger years. I remember our first son would curl up in the bow as we paddled. He would bundle up his blanket as a pillow and close his eyes as the rocking motion and sound of the waves drifted him off to sleep only to awaken as the the canoe scratched over the shore when we found a place to stop for a picnic. When we moved across Canada we sadly left our canoe behind and I've only picked up a paddle a hand full of times since then. I can't wait to get back in to it. And I assure you, the fishing rod will be out in full force. All you Bass out there, watch out, because here I come!There really is nothing like the sound of the waves lapping at the side of the Canoe as the paddle dips in to the glistening waters. Pair that with the whizz of the reel with a fish on and you have pure bliss. I can feel the sunburn already.